I'm staring out into the night...trying to hide the pain

Yeah, it's another one of those entries.

I'm not having a good night. I found out Friday afternoon that my Grandmother had finally died. They always say something about knowing, and it helping - but they lied. Knowing that Grandma was going to die, didn't help the pain of finding out.

I know that I've told her what I wanted to, so I don't have any regrets on that end, but I still miss her.

Friday night I stayed in Charlotte, because my parents told me just to come back on Saturday. I went out with Karla, Holly and Dan. We went to Jason's friends house... and there was alcoholic beverages to help ease the pain.

But that's not what I want, it didn't do anything really. I woke up, still sad. It's not that I expected I wouldn't, but you can always hope, right?

I woke up and went to play softball, which I will update in another, less sad post later.

And now...here I sit, in front of my computer in Lancaster, writing a eulogy for my Grandma. It's hard. I did one for Papa, but this second one seems to be harder for me. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to compare the two eulogies and keep them different or what. I don't know.

This time around seems to be much harder all around. Things are different. When Papa died, we all gathered at Papa and Grandmas house to rally as a family and around Grandma. There's no Grandma this time, so one set of family isn't coming in until tomorrow for the visitation, and I've only seen half of the other set.

It's just that I've always been around family during death, and now I'm not. And Grandma was the last of the grandparents...maybe that's why it's harder.

I feel like I have to be strong for my parents. They've been through some much in the last 7.5 weeks with Grandma. I know deep down, they don't want me to hide my feelings, but I still feel like it's the thing I should do. I don't want them to have one more thing to worry about.

I think I'm going to put this thing aside for tonight. Maybe I can figure out the rest tomorrow.

"...I'm going home, back to the place where I belong. Where your love has always been enough for me...I'm going home..."