Okay...
So I'm going to try and be done with depressing posts for a while. I'm not saying they won't be, but I'm making a conscious effort to change my outlook on life right now.
Today marks a week since we buried Grandma. I'm still having a hard time, losing Papa and Grandma so close together. There's been a couple times that I've done something recently, and I wanted to call Grandma and tell her about it, but then reality hits.
I think the part that hit me the hardest, is what has made me happiest in the last few months. We found out on Thursday that we won the 5AM book. Okay, so technically we tied Channel 9 with a 3.6, but when you take it out to the hundredths...we won 3.60 to 3.58. Stupid rounding up.
It's the first time that the 5AM show has won in YEARS, so we're obviously very excited about it. As much as I'd love to take full credit for the turn-around, it's been a couple years in the making. It's sad that the people who helped to build the show up (like Heidi, Jen O, and of course, Trent Faris) aren't on the show anymore to enjoy the success...but they know they were the bricklayers.
But, I have to sorta think Grandma was helping out. I know that before Grandma died and before she become really sick, she was always asking how we were doing and if we were getting close to winning. She told me that she was praying for me, that I would be able to do my job to the best of my ability and that I would find success. I'm a big believer in prayer, so I just have to say thanks to all my co-workers for the job well done, and thanks Grandma!
"...I've taken my bows and my curtain calls, you've bought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it...I thank you all..."
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...from glen to glen, and down the mountain side
I figured a good sad Irish song was appropriate today.
We held Grandma's visitation today from 3-5 o'clock. It was good, but sad at the same time. There was a pretty good crowd, never really a line, but a pretty good flow of people. There were a few minutes of down time here and there, but that's not a bad thing.
It was hard seeing Grandma though. I was trying to be strong, but I couldn't. I miss her so much.
I just finished writing her eulogy. It was hard, I lost count of how many times I wrote and then re-wrote it. I just couldn't seem to get it right. It seemed like I was never quite capturing the woman Grandma was.
I figure'd I'd post it, I don't know why, but I've talked so much about her on here that I figured "why not?"
So this is your warning....from here down is my eulogy that I'm reading tomorrow morning, nothing more, so if you're hoping something funny will pop up at the end - just stop reading.
---------
Grandma's Eulogy 5/21/07
"Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve taken some time to sit down and think about Grandma’s life. While I was thinking back and remembering all the good times, I’ve seen what a tremendous impact Grandma has made on my life.
All you had to do was meet Grandma once. Just once, and you thought the world of her. She was a strong woman, with a loving heart and gentle spirit. She always knew the right words to put a smile on your face and joy in your heart. She loved to make people happy, and the people she loved the most were her family.
When I was growing up, I was like most children. Grandma was the woman who gave big hugs and made good food. The older I got, the more important Grandma became and the bigger impact she had. It wasn’t that she had changed, but my perspective of her had. Grandma taught me about love through her words, but mainly by her actions.
I know that no one in my family will ever doubt the amount of love that Grandma had for us. She supported every one of us, no matter what. She was always our biggest cheerleader and our biggest support team. When we’d do well, she was the first to congratulate us. When we’d fail, she’d be the first to offer kind words and a helping hand to dust ourselves off.
She couldn’t always be there physically, with seven grandchildren in all parts of the world, but you always knew she was there for you. We were in her thoughts and in her prayers.
Grandma was a very religious woman and you always knew if Grandma was praying for you, you were going to be just fine. I always knew that Grandma was going to be there, without judgment and sweet smile to comfort me…no matter how difficult life became.
Grandma showed me love, a kind of love that is never-ending and never fading, and that gives me comfort. I am a better person today, because of the things Grandma taught me and the love she shared with me and for that I will be eternally grateful.
There’s a verse that Grandma said she wanted as part of her funeral, and I’d like to read it to you now.
“A light is from our household gone; a voice we loved is stilled. A place is vacant in our home that never can be filled. The Golden Gates did open, a gentle voice said “come,” and with farewell unspoken, we said “Thy will be done.” May the Blessed Virgin greet her, and present her to her son; May his Sacred Heart receive her, as it was God’s will was done.”
Grandma was a strong Irish woman, and I think it would be appropriate for me to end with an Irish blessing. This is one that has been hanging in the hallway of Grandma and Papa’s house for as long as I can remember.
“May the road rise to meet you...may the wind be always at your back…may the sun shine warm upon your face and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, Grandma, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.”
---------
"...and if you come, when all the flowers are dying and I am dead, as dead I well may be. You'll come and find the place where I am lying, and kneel and say an "Ave" there for me..."
We held Grandma's visitation today from 3-5 o'clock. It was good, but sad at the same time. There was a pretty good crowd, never really a line, but a pretty good flow of people. There were a few minutes of down time here and there, but that's not a bad thing.
It was hard seeing Grandma though. I was trying to be strong, but I couldn't. I miss her so much.
I just finished writing her eulogy. It was hard, I lost count of how many times I wrote and then re-wrote it. I just couldn't seem to get it right. It seemed like I was never quite capturing the woman Grandma was.
I figure'd I'd post it, I don't know why, but I've talked so much about her on here that I figured "why not?"
So this is your warning....from here down is my eulogy that I'm reading tomorrow morning, nothing more, so if you're hoping something funny will pop up at the end - just stop reading.
---------
Grandma's Eulogy 5/21/07
"Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve taken some time to sit down and think about Grandma’s life. While I was thinking back and remembering all the good times, I’ve seen what a tremendous impact Grandma has made on my life.
All you had to do was meet Grandma once. Just once, and you thought the world of her. She was a strong woman, with a loving heart and gentle spirit. She always knew the right words to put a smile on your face and joy in your heart. She loved to make people happy, and the people she loved the most were her family.
When I was growing up, I was like most children. Grandma was the woman who gave big hugs and made good food. The older I got, the more important Grandma became and the bigger impact she had. It wasn’t that she had changed, but my perspective of her had. Grandma taught me about love through her words, but mainly by her actions.
I know that no one in my family will ever doubt the amount of love that Grandma had for us. She supported every one of us, no matter what. She was always our biggest cheerleader and our biggest support team. When we’d do well, she was the first to congratulate us. When we’d fail, she’d be the first to offer kind words and a helping hand to dust ourselves off.
She couldn’t always be there physically, with seven grandchildren in all parts of the world, but you always knew she was there for you. We were in her thoughts and in her prayers.
Grandma was a very religious woman and you always knew if Grandma was praying for you, you were going to be just fine. I always knew that Grandma was going to be there, without judgment and sweet smile to comfort me…no matter how difficult life became.
Grandma showed me love, a kind of love that is never-ending and never fading, and that gives me comfort. I am a better person today, because of the things Grandma taught me and the love she shared with me and for that I will be eternally grateful.
There’s a verse that Grandma said she wanted as part of her funeral, and I’d like to read it to you now.
“A light is from our household gone; a voice we loved is stilled. A place is vacant in our home that never can be filled. The Golden Gates did open, a gentle voice said “come,” and with farewell unspoken, we said “Thy will be done.” May the Blessed Virgin greet her, and present her to her son; May his Sacred Heart receive her, as it was God’s will was done.”
Grandma was a strong Irish woman, and I think it would be appropriate for me to end with an Irish blessing. This is one that has been hanging in the hallway of Grandma and Papa’s house for as long as I can remember.
“May the road rise to meet you...may the wind be always at your back…may the sun shine warm upon your face and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, Grandma, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.”
---------
"...and if you come, when all the flowers are dying and I am dead, as dead I well may be. You'll come and find the place where I am lying, and kneel and say an "Ave" there for me..."
I'm staring out into the night...trying to hide the pain
Yeah, it's another one of those entries.
I'm not having a good night. I found out Friday afternoon that my Grandmother had finally died. They always say something about knowing, and it helping - but they lied. Knowing that Grandma was going to die, didn't help the pain of finding out.
I know that I've told her what I wanted to, so I don't have any regrets on that end, but I still miss her.
Friday night I stayed in Charlotte, because my parents told me just to come back on Saturday. I went out with Karla, Holly and Dan. We went to Jason's friends house... and there was alcoholic beverages to help ease the pain.
But that's not what I want, it didn't do anything really. I woke up, still sad. It's not that I expected I wouldn't, but you can always hope, right?
I woke up and went to play softball, which I will update in another, less sad post later.
And now...here I sit, in front of my computer in Lancaster, writing a eulogy for my Grandma. It's hard. I did one for Papa, but this second one seems to be harder for me. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to compare the two eulogies and keep them different or what. I don't know.
This time around seems to be much harder all around. Things are different. When Papa died, we all gathered at Papa and Grandmas house to rally as a family and around Grandma. There's no Grandma this time, so one set of family isn't coming in until tomorrow for the visitation, and I've only seen half of the other set.
It's just that I've always been around family during death, and now I'm not. And Grandma was the last of the grandparents...maybe that's why it's harder.
I feel like I have to be strong for my parents. They've been through some much in the last 7.5 weeks with Grandma. I know deep down, they don't want me to hide my feelings, but I still feel like it's the thing I should do. I don't want them to have one more thing to worry about.
I think I'm going to put this thing aside for tonight. Maybe I can figure out the rest tomorrow.
"...I'm going home, back to the place where I belong. Where your love has always been enough for me...I'm going home..."
I'm not having a good night. I found out Friday afternoon that my Grandmother had finally died. They always say something about knowing, and it helping - but they lied. Knowing that Grandma was going to die, didn't help the pain of finding out.
I know that I've told her what I wanted to, so I don't have any regrets on that end, but I still miss her.
Friday night I stayed in Charlotte, because my parents told me just to come back on Saturday. I went out with Karla, Holly and Dan. We went to Jason's friends house... and there was alcoholic beverages to help ease the pain.
But that's not what I want, it didn't do anything really. I woke up, still sad. It's not that I expected I wouldn't, but you can always hope, right?
I woke up and went to play softball, which I will update in another, less sad post later.
And now...here I sit, in front of my computer in Lancaster, writing a eulogy for my Grandma. It's hard. I did one for Papa, but this second one seems to be harder for me. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to compare the two eulogies and keep them different or what. I don't know.
This time around seems to be much harder all around. Things are different. When Papa died, we all gathered at Papa and Grandmas house to rally as a family and around Grandma. There's no Grandma this time, so one set of family isn't coming in until tomorrow for the visitation, and I've only seen half of the other set.
It's just that I've always been around family during death, and now I'm not. And Grandma was the last of the grandparents...maybe that's why it's harder.
I feel like I have to be strong for my parents. They've been through some much in the last 7.5 weeks with Grandma. I know deep down, they don't want me to hide my feelings, but I still feel like it's the thing I should do. I don't want them to have one more thing to worry about.
I think I'm going to put this thing aside for tonight. Maybe I can figure out the rest tomorrow.
"...I'm going home, back to the place where I belong. Where your love has always been enough for me...I'm going home..."
Monday, May 14, 2007
Take me out to the ball game...take me out with the crowd
The Blue Team vs The Gold Team
Saturday May 19th
Park Road Park
The Gold Team is going down quicker than a whore on a man with 50 cents in his pocket!
(Apparently, Kary made me the official Trash Talker and made this lovely picture. LOL)
"Let me root, root, root for the home team, if they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out (Gold) at the old ball game."
Is this the way it's really going down...is this how we say goodbye?
I just don't know anymore.
I'm starting to think that I could have just a good of a chance to guess when Grandma while die as the doctors do.
I can't tell you how many times in the last three weeks that we've heard, "Oh, she's not going to make it past _____" But every time, Grandma has made it past that point. But this time, it's different. Grandma's breathing has changed, and she's actually stopped breathing for brief periods, before finally kick-started back.
Daddy called this morning and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. We've talked before about what he should do if something happens, but this time he actually asked if he should call and wake me if something happens.
I know I've said what I need to say to her, and that it would mean she's not in pain any more... but I'm not ready. I'm just not.
"Don't want to think about it...don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way Just so confused about it...feeling the blue about it, I just can't do without ya. Tell me is this fair?"
I'm starting to think that I could have just a good of a chance to guess when Grandma while die as the doctors do.
I can't tell you how many times in the last three weeks that we've heard, "Oh, she's not going to make it past _____" But every time, Grandma has made it past that point. But this time, it's different. Grandma's breathing has changed, and she's actually stopped breathing for brief periods, before finally kick-started back.
Daddy called this morning and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. We've talked before about what he should do if something happens, but this time he actually asked if he should call and wake me if something happens.
I know I've said what I need to say to her, and that it would mean she's not in pain any more... but I'm not ready. I'm just not.
"Don't want to think about it...don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way Just so confused about it...feeling the blue about it, I just can't do without ya. Tell me is this fair?"
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I don't know why I act the way I do...like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Aarrrggghh. I have such anger issues sometimes.
I have a pretty short string, compared to some people, on a regular basis - but I'm usually able to control my feelings. I have a tendency to make jokes to diffuse any feelings I might have, good or bad.
But lately, my fuse is zitch. The jokes are far and few between, and I'm hiding my feelings less and less. I feel like a need to go see someone... a professional, if you wish. I just need someone to tell me how to channel what I'm feeling into healthy releases.
Who knows.
It'll all change soon. I'll soon be sleeping, and doing better at work and back to crackin' jokes (even the lame ones... okay, ESPECIALLY the lame ones) and diffusing everything like I used to.
Think happy thoughts, Peter Pan, think happy thoughts.
"...the urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get ...the things I've done for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied. The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see I guess that's just the cowboy in me..."
I have a pretty short string, compared to some people, on a regular basis - but I'm usually able to control my feelings. I have a tendency to make jokes to diffuse any feelings I might have, good or bad.
But lately, my fuse is zitch. The jokes are far and few between, and I'm hiding my feelings less and less. I feel like a need to go see someone... a professional, if you wish. I just need someone to tell me how to channel what I'm feeling into healthy releases.
Who knows.
It'll all change soon. I'll soon be sleeping, and doing better at work and back to crackin' jokes (even the lame ones... okay, ESPECIALLY the lame ones) and diffusing everything like I used to.
Think happy thoughts, Peter Pan, think happy thoughts.
"...the urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get ...the things I've done for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied. The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see I guess that's just the cowboy in me..."
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?
Yeah, I'm having a hard time right now. I'm not sleeping, I'm doing crappy at work and I'm worried about my family.
Eight weeks ago today, I was sitting at my grandparents house with all of my family - having just learned a couple hours before that my grandfather had died. I can remember very vividly how my grandmother looked, acted and sounded.
What a difference eight weeks makes.
Grandma's been in the hospital for six weeks now, and she looks worse every time. The nurse told my dad yesterday "We're seeing the signs, she won't be here tomorrow." So I went after my dentist appointment and sat with Grandma for a while, knowing very well...more so than normal...this could be my last time seeing her.
I had already spent time, in the dentist's office, thinking about what I would say to her. Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played over the speakers while I was thinking. I took it as a sign and started to cry a little. I was waiting, so no one was in there with me.
I won't go into what all I told Grandma, but the basics were "I love you, and always will" and "Thank you for always being there. I know you'll always be there looking over me and cheering me on." Of course...there were tears. It's hard knowing this is your last chance to say everything you want. You don't want any regrets.
Several times, Grandma kind of raised her eyebrows. We haven't been able to have a "normal" conversation for about three weeks, or more, because of her health and the medicines. It was nice to know - even if she didn't know exactly what I was saying, she heard me.
That's what I'll hold onto - no matter what. Sadness will come, and will stay for a long time, but I'll always know we had that last talk - just me and Grandma.
"Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure and I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven."
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