Is this the way it's really going down...is this how we say goodbye?

I just don't know anymore.

I'm starting to think that I could have just a good of a chance to guess when Grandma while die as the doctors do.

I can't tell you how many times in the last three weeks that we've heard, "Oh, she's not going to make it past _____" But every time, Grandma has made it past that point. But this time, it's different. Grandma's breathing has changed, and she's actually stopped breathing for brief periods, before finally kick-started back.

Daddy called this morning and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. We've talked before about what he should do if something happens, but this time he actually asked if he should call and wake me if something happens.

I know I've said what I need to say to her, and that it would mean she's not in pain any more... but I'm not ready. I'm just not.

"Don't want to think about it...don't want to talk about it, I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way Just so confused about it...feeling the blue about it, I just can't do without ya. Tell me is this fair?"

Not my normal post... but too funny to ignore...

God I love my job sometimes....

I don't know why I act the way I do...like I ain't got a single thing to lose

Aarrrggghh. I have such anger issues sometimes.

I have a pretty short string, compared to some people, on a regular basis - but I'm usually able to control my feelings. I have a tendency to make jokes to diffuse any feelings I might have, good or bad.

But lately, my fuse is zitch. The jokes are far and few between, and I'm hiding my feelings less and less. I feel like a need to go see someone... a professional, if you wish. I just need someone to tell me how to channel what I'm feeling into healthy releases.

Who knows.

It'll all change soon. I'll soon be sleeping, and doing better at work and back to crackin' jokes (even the lame ones... okay, ESPECIALLY the lame ones) and diffusing everything like I used to.

Think happy thoughts, Peter Pan, think happy thoughts.

"...the urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get ...the things I've done for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied. The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see I guess that's just the cowboy in me..."

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?

Yeah, I'm having a hard time right now. I'm not sleeping, I'm doing crappy at work and I'm worried about my family.

Eight weeks ago today, I was sitting at my grandparents house with all of my family - having just learned a couple hours before that my grandfather had died. I can remember very vividly how my grandmother looked, acted and sounded.

What a difference eight weeks makes.

Grandma's been in the hospital for six weeks now, and she looks worse every time. The nurse told my dad yesterday "We're seeing the signs, she won't be here tomorrow." So I went after my dentist appointment and sat with Grandma for a while, knowing very well...more so than normal...this could be my last time seeing her.

I had already spent time, in the dentist's office, thinking about what I would say to her. Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played over the speakers while I was thinking. I took it as a sign and started to cry a little. I was waiting, so no one was in there with me.

I won't go into what all I told Grandma, but the basics were "I love you, and always will" and "Thank you for always being there. I know you'll always be there looking over me and cheering me on." Of course...there were tears. It's hard knowing this is your last chance to say everything you want. You don't want any regrets.

Several times, Grandma kind of raised her eyebrows. We haven't been able to have a "normal" conversation for about three weeks, or more, because of her health and the medicines. It was nice to know - even if she didn't know exactly what I was saying, she heard me.

That's what I'll hold onto - no matter what. Sadness will come, and will stay for a long time, but I'll always know we had that last talk - just me and Grandma.

"Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure and I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven."

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free..push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us

Things are a little better right now, although I feel like so many things are changing in a very short amount of time.

Grandma seems to be getting worse more than she's getting better and that's very hard for me to accept. It's also hard to think about the fact that things will never be the same again. I'll never be able to sit with her and talk about things. She used to ask me a million and a half questions about my job -- I think she was more excited about it than I was. Now she's lucid for about 5% of the time you're around...and it's just hard for me.

I went to Melissa Greer's memorial service yesterday. I talked with my Mom after and told her it was nice just to be at church and listen to people talk about what strong faith she had. It really gives me hope.

And Lauren apparently isn't going to be working here much longer. Dennis talked to me the other day and told me, but she still hasn't mentioned it. I guess she'll tell me when she feels like it... IF she feels like it. Kinda sucks.... we went from being close to now we hardly talk, and when we do a fight normally starts. I miss the days when when she didn't hate me.

"...here we go there's nothing left to choose... and here we go there's nothing left to lose..."

The sun will rise and keep your mind at ease... so close your eyes

Blah.

So I'm sitting here at my computer... once again. I think I'm starting to hate my shift at work, at least when I'm at home. I can't seem to get to sleep anymore during the day, and even when I do - I'm awake a couple hours later.

I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 2 hours straight during the week...when I have to sleep during the day. Even on the weekend, when I get a "good" night's sleep, I'm still up after about 3-4 hours. I don't know what the problem is....maybe I'm just too worried about what's going on at home and can't concentrate on sleeping.

When I went to visit Grandma on Saturday, I stayed later... so my parents could get out of town for a couple hours and try to relax. I should probably backspace and put more emphasis on the word "try." I just don't see how they do it. They are non-stop at work, and then the hospital - spending the night there and then back to work to start all over again.

Anyways, Stephanie and I were with Grandma Saturday night until after midnight, so I just went back to my parent's house rather than trying to drive back to the apartment. I think that's the first time I've slept for 8 straight hours... since God knows how long. I think in some way I felt more relaxed being at home, and knowing my parents were there... and I was able to help.

What I wouldn't do for that sleeping ability right now.....

For the past month...since Grandma's been in the hospital - I've been in a constant state of sadness and guilt. I don't know that I've experienced much happiness since Papa died, but I try not to show how sad I've been...and then with Grandma in the hospital right after, it's just too much for me to handle. But then I feel guilty because my Mom, Dad and sister don't really have a choice - they HAVE to handle it. I'm here in Charlotte, but they are there in town, dealing with it on a daily (and nightly) basis. I feel guilty that I'm not there... and guilty that I work at night and can't offer to take a shift... I see how much it wears them down.

I don't know... I've just been a wreck lately, and I can't seem to figure out what to do or how to act.... I'm going to try and sleep again... my alarm goes off in a little over an hour.... good times :\

"Please....close your eyes. Please....if you don't want to say. Please....close your eyes, what keeps you awake?"

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

"WBTV is sad to announce that Melissa Greer Polsky died this morning after a 6 month long battle with cancer. Her husband Roger and her family were at her side when she passed away peacefully at about 11 Friday morning."

Yup. I learned this morning that Melissa Greer, one of our meteorologists died this morning. Melissa was a great woman and a great inspiration with the amount of courage that she fought her cancer.

It's hard to believe the battle is over. I felt for sure she was going to beat it and this was going to be the last hurdle for her.

The more I think about what her family is going through, the more I remember Papa, and the more I remember what Grandma is fighting right now. Life can be hard sometimes... but I have to believe that there is a plan, and someone.... somewhere... knows what's going on.

"...only darkness everyday, ain't no sunshine when she's gone and this house just ain't no home, anytime she goes away ..."

We should get jerseys, cause we would make a good team....but yours would look better than mine, cause you're out of my league...

Just got home from the softball game. We won... barely. The score was 17 - 15.

But it's okay - I got a homerun. This is our third game... and for the last two games I've gotten a homer. I think it's surprised me more than anyone.. but I love it.

I just hope I can keep it up, now that I've hit a second one. Now the pressure kicks it.

Oh, but I did actually hit two homers today, only one counted because the first one was during batting practice....but hey - it's still over the fence! :-D

I'm running home to see my family and visit my Grandmother in the hospital.

Peace!

...everyone watching us just turns away with disgust...it's jealously, they can see that we've got it going on...

We're all guilty of the same things...we think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through

Every time we have a big "morning show meeting," I feel so excited about things to come. But sometimes I look at where we want to be (and where we are) and wonder if I'm the one that can get us there or not. I just don't feel like I'm a strong enough leader to get us there... the self doubt is VERY strong.

But nowadays... the burden isn't just on me... and I'm starting to realize it never really was. I think when it comes time for the responsibility, I have a tendency to feel like I'm the one that has to do it all. But it's never been just me and there are always people there to back me up, I just have to know when to ask.

I'm glad Becky's around now - I think that's helped open my eyes to the fact that I don't have to do it alone... we fail as a team and we triumph as a team. May sweeps starts in 13 days....*big sigh*

...and you can't see past the blood on my hands...to see that you've been aptly damned to fail and fail again...

Cause when they own the information, oh they can bend it all they want

Being in the news business is.... well, interesting. I definitely feel like I'm more on top of current events and I feel like I do have a better understanding of what is going on in the world, and how it works.

However... sometimes I feel like local news is driven by the latest "gossip story." Thank God I don't work for FOX....or I wouldn't be able to escape ANY story. At least working for a non-FOX station, I have a reason to avoid American Idol stories and the "Sanjaya" crap. But seriously... how many times do I have to re-visit the Duke Lacrosse story, the Anna Nicole story and now Don Imus vs. Rutgers Women's Basketball.

Don't get me wrong, these are all newsworthy stories...but for how long? Imus said it, apologized - story over. But it's not. With Anna Nicole, there's how she died, who's the daddy (very anti-climatic, btw - I was kinda hoping for a negative on both and a new set of claimers), etc. etc.

It's with these stories that you end up in line, waiting to order your #7 from Jersey Mike's and you overhear "Good God, not this story again! When is the MEDIA going to let this go?"

Ummmm... hello?

When is the public going to learn that 99% of "news" is what the public wants to know... the other 1% is actual news.

Enough self-doubt for one day...

PS - got a sneak peek of my station's new website developments that will be revealed in July, and I'm VERY excited... should be fun!

"...And when you trust your television...what you get is what you got, cause when they own the information, oh they can bend it all they want..."

Thanks John Mayer.... jerk.