Blah.
So I'm sitting here at my computer... once again. I think I'm starting to hate my shift at work, at least when I'm at home. I can't seem to get to sleep anymore during the day, and even when I do - I'm awake a couple hours later.
I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 2 hours straight during the week...when I have to sleep during the day. Even on the weekend, when I get a "good" night's sleep, I'm still up after about 3-4 hours. I don't know what the problem is....maybe I'm just too worried about what's going on at home and can't concentrate on sleeping.
When I went to visit Grandma on Saturday, I stayed later... so my parents could get out of town for a couple hours and try to relax. I should probably backspace and put more emphasis on the word "try." I just don't see how they do it. They are non-stop at work, and then the hospital - spending the night there and then back to work to start all over again.
Anyways, Stephanie and I were with Grandma Saturday night until after midnight, so I just went back to my parent's house rather than trying to drive back to the apartment. I think that's the first time I've slept for 8 straight hours... since God knows how long. I think in some way I felt more relaxed being at home, and knowing my parents were there... and I was able to help.
What I wouldn't do for that sleeping ability right now.....
For the past month...since Grandma's been in the hospital - I've been in a constant state of sadness and guilt. I don't know that I've experienced much happiness since Papa died, but I try not to show how sad I've been...and then with Grandma in the hospital right after, it's just too much for me to handle. But then I feel guilty because my Mom, Dad and sister don't really have a choice - they HAVE to handle it. I'm here in Charlotte, but they are there in town, dealing with it on a daily (and nightly) basis. I feel guilty that I'm not there... and guilty that I work at night and can't offer to take a shift... I see how much it wears them down.
I don't know... I've just been a wreck lately, and I can't seem to figure out what to do or how to act.... I'm going to try and sleep again... my alarm goes off in a little over an hour.... good times :\
"Please....close your eyes. Please....if you don't want to say. Please....close your eyes, what keeps you awake?"
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1 comment:
I'm sure all of the time you are able to invest in helping your family is greatly appreciate by them...don't let all of this get you down. Hang in there.
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